Your insecurity and neediness is what makes you a big neurotic ball of comedy genius.

Because we're comics and we pass each other on campus, we know of each other, and a lot of the time there's a mutual respect there.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

Surveillance induced morality: relics of cultural retardation.

When you're a kid, you always feel you have this weird kindred-spirit thing with other Jews, until you get older and you realize it's just middle-class bourgeois Jews that sort of fit a template that your family fits into one way or another.

They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.

When I was a bit older I had all of the George Carlin records, all of the Steve Martin records, all of the Cheech and Chong records and all of the Richard Pryor records.