Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

I'm not fundamentally a writer. I know writers, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for them. It bothers me that no matter how well I do it, it's not really my format.

I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something - and then get it again and again and again.

People who have babies tell me I will know a love that is beyond anything I can imagine, and a joy that is indescribable. Love and joy? That sounds horrifying. I have no way of knowing whether I can handle either of those. I'm much better with need and fear. They are what ground me.

Hopefully standup will become special again.

Your insecurity and neediness is what makes you a big neurotic ball of comedy genius.

You hope to see an arc of growth in your ability to become a character on television.