On some level any appearance on Television can be seen as a product endorsement.

We live in an age where people are like, "I'd love to catch up. Maybe text me later? But don't call because I don't really listen to my messages. But if you text me..." We've displaced interaction into sound bites and untethered phrases and sentences that come up on the phone as Twitter feed.

Your insecurity and neediness is what makes you a big neurotic ball of comedy genius.

I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.

Faith in the face of disappointment is only enhanced by laughter in the face of pain.

Dogs are too much to handle. I don't need anything in my house that's needier than me.