The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently.

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then."

I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. And it's a train.

I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to make copies of their tapes.

My mom's Jewish and my dad's Irish Catholic alcoholic, so I whine on the inside.

Safety was not a big thing when I was growing up. A seat belt was something that got in the way: 'Ma, the seat belt is digging into my back.' 'Stuff it down into the seat. And roll those windows up, you're letting the smoke out'