The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

My mom's Jewish and my dad's Irish Catholic alcoholic, so I whine on the inside.

I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to make copies of their tapes.

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then."

I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.

Sin recognized but that may keep us humble, But oh, it keeps us nasty.