I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.

I hate people. People make me pro-nuclear.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. And it's a train.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to make copies of their tapes.

The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently.

My mom's Jewish and my dad's Irish Catholic alcoholic, so I whine on the inside.