Why was the human race created? Or at least why wasn't something creditable created in place of it? God had His opportunity. He could have made a reputation. But no, He must commit this grotesque folly - a lark which must have cost Him a regret or two when He came to think it over and observe effects.

I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopt.

My father was a Saint Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian.

Stripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that.

I think a compliment ought always to precede a complaint, where one is possible, because it softens resentment and insures for the complaint a courteous and gentle reception.