Why was the human race created? Or at least why wasn't something creditable created in place of it? God had His opportunity. He could have made a reputation. But no, He must commit this grotesque folly - a lark which must have cost Him a regret or two when He came to think it over and observe effects.

Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.

You can't break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You've got to walk it slowly down the stairs.

It takes me a long time to lose my temper, but once lost I could not find it with a dog.

Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with.

The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.

You can't reason someone out of something that they weren't reasoned into in the first place.