God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

It takes some little time to accept and realize the fact that while you have been growing old, your friends have not been standing still, in that matter.

Few of us stand prosperity; another man's I mean.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When you catch an adjective, kill it - perhaps the best possible advice for budding writers.

I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have got its divisions and frontiers down on a piece of paper. I find it defined as a production of the brain, as the power of the brain to produce something humorous, and the capacity of percieving humor.