The reason why truth is so much stranger than fiction is that there is no requirement for it to be consistent.

I speak French with timidity, and not flowingly--except when excited. When using that language I have often noticed that I have hardly ever been mistaken for a Frenchman, except, perhaps, by horses; never, I believe, by people.

Only laughter can blow [a colossal humbug] to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

You can go to heaven if you want. I'd rather stay in Bermuda.

All religions issue bibles again Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.

A railroad is like a lie you have to keep building it to make it stand.

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.