Never learn to do anything: if you don't learn, you'll always find someone else to do it for you.

I couldn't bear to think about it; and yet, somehow, I couldn't think about nothing else.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

If you've got a nice fresh corpse, fetch him out!

When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad.