I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

Most men die at 27, we just bury them at 72.

The truth hurts, but silence kills.

Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.

A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out.