The true pioneer of civilization is not the newspaper, not religion, not the railroad - but whiskey!

When angry, count to a hundred.

Golden rule: Made of hard metal so it could stand severe wear, it not being known at that time that butter would answer.

A good legible label is usually worth, for information, a ton of significant attitude and expression in a historical picture.

I have seen an entire family lifted out of poverty and into affluence by the simple boon of a broken leg. I have had people come to me on crutches, with tears in their eyes, to bless this beneficient institution. In all my experiences of life, I have seen nothing so seraphic as the look that comes into a freshly mutilated man's face when he feels in his vest pocket with his remaining hand and finds his accident ticket all right.

The only people that a bank will loan money to is the very people who don't need it.

Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it