If you want me to give you a two-hour presentation, I am ready today. If you want only a five-minute speech, it will take me two weeks to prepare.

What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it.

A conspiracy is nothing but a secret agreement of a number of men for the pursuance of policies which they dare not admit in public

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration.

English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.

Education is what remains when what is learned has been taken away.