Knighterrantry is a most chuckleheaded trade, and it is tedious hard work, too, but I begin to see that there is money in it, after all, if you have luck. Not that I would ever engage in it, as a business, for I wouldn't. No sound and legitimate business can be established on a basis of speculation. A successful whirl in the knighterrantry line--now what is it when you blow away the nonsense and come down to the cold facts? It's just a corner in pork, that's all.

Give an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man. An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him.

A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having.

Our consciences take no notice of pain inflicted on others until it reaches a point where it gives pain to us.

Sagebrush is a very fair fuel, but as a vegetable it is a distinguished failure. Nothing can abide the taste of it but the jackass and his illegitimate child the mule.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt