Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.

Better a broken promise than none at all.

I'm merely running some errands. This is now off the record.

We have infinite trouble in solving man-made mysteries; it is only when we set out to discover "the secret of God" that our difficulties disappear.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom when he can no longer be led by the nose.