I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them, and enter the next world as paupers. I have saved up enough to make an astonishment there.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

Data is like garbage. You'd better know what you are going to do with it before you collect it.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Hotels are the only proper places for lecturers. When I am ill-natured I so enjoy the freedom of a hotel where I can ring up a domestic and give him a quarter and then break furniture over him.

It is the will of God that we must have critics and missionaries and congressmen and humorists, and we must bear the burden

The only very marked difference between the average civilized man and the average savage is that the one is gilded and the other is painted.