You can't keep a juvenile moral institution alive on two displays of its sash per year.

When in doubt, tell the truth. That maxim I did invent, but never expected it to be applied to me. I did say, "When you are in doubt," but when I am in doubt myself I use more sagacity.

Nothing so focuses the mind as the prospect of being hanged.

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.

The piano may do for love-sick girls who lace themselves to skeletons, and lunch on chalk, pickles and slate pencils, but give me the banjo.

I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.