Custom is petrification, nothing but dynamite can dislodge it for a century.

If I were going to construct a God I would furnish him with some ways and qualities and characteristics which the Present One lacks... He would spend some of His eternities in trying to forgive Himself for making man unhappy when He could have made him happy with the same effort and He would spend the rest of them in studying astronomy.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.

When the time comes that a man has had his dinner, then the true man comes to the surface

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness.