In all my travels the thing that has impressed me the most is the universal brotherhood of man-what there is of it.

Education is what you must acquire without any interference from your schooling.

I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can't spell, but I have never stooped to spell cat with a 'k' to get at your funny bone. I love a drink, but I never encouraged drunkenness by harping on its alleged funny side.

Custom is custom: it is built of brass, boiler-iron, granite; facts, reasonings, arguments have no more effect upon it than the idle winds have upon Gibraltar.

I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.

Christianity will doubtless still survive in the earth ten centuries hence- stuffed and in a museum.

In America-as elsewhere-free speech is confined to the dead.