It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad.

Foreigners cannot enjoy our food, I suppose, any more than we can enjoy theirs. It is not strange; for tastes are made, not born. I might glorify my bill of fare until I was tired; but after all, the Scotchman would shake his head and say, 'Where's your haggis?' and the Fijan would sigh and say, 'Where's your missionary?'

By and by when each nation has 20,000 battleships and 5,000,000 soldiers we shall all be safe and the wisdom of statesmanship will stand confirmed.

It is the will of God that we must have critics and missionaries and congressmen and humorists, and we must bear the burden

Let us be grateful to Adam: he cut us out of the blessing of idleness and won for us the curse of labor.

Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.