Always tell the truth. That way you don't have to remember what you said.

To forget pain is to be painless; to forget care is to be rid of it; to go abroad is to accomplish both.

Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.

There is nothing like instances to grow hair on a bald-headed argument.

I was standing in our dining-room thinking of nothing in particular, when a cablegram was put into my hand. It said, 'Susy was peacefully released today.' It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live.

I am persuaded that the world has been tricked into adopting some false and most pernicious notions about consistency - and to such a degree that the average man has turned the rights and wrongs of things entirely around and is proud to be "consistent," unchanging, immovable, fossilized, where it should be his humiliation.

Indeed, none but the Deity can tell what is good luck and what is bad before the returns are all in.