America cannot have an empire abroad and a Republic at home.

If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won''t go.

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling;the comic and the witty story upon the matter.

At 50, a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being an ass

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

...one should be gentle with the ignorant, for they are the chosen of God.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR per G.G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE