I was educated once - it took me years to get over it.

Human pride is not worthwhile; there is always something lying in wait to take the wind out of it.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

We have to be despised by somebody whom we regard as above us, or we are not happy; we have to have somebody to worship and envy,or we cannot be content. In America we manifest this in all the ancient and customary ways. In public we scoff at titles and hereditary privilege, but privately we hanker after them, and when we get a chance we buy them for cash and a daughter.

It is not what a man knows, but what he thinks of in time.

Jesus died to save men - a small thing for an immortal to do - and didn't save many, anyway. But if he had been damned for the race, that would have been act of a size proper to a god, and would have saved the whole race.