An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency.

The human race consists of the damned and the ought-to-be damned.

The institution of royalty in any form is an insult to the human race.

A sincere compliment is always grateful to a lady, so long as you don't try to knock her down with it.

Sometimes my feelings are so hot that I have to take the pen and put them out on paper to keep them from setting me afire inside; then all that ink and labor are wasted because I can't print the results

Always obey your parents. When they are present. This is the best policy in the long run. Because if you don't, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.

I could be an idiot, or I can serve in Congress, but I repeat myself.