The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Politicians, old buildings, and prostitutes become respectable with age.

There isn't anything you can't stand if you are only born and bred to it.

Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.

Strange a God who mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness, then invented hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none Himself; who frowns upon crimes yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon Himself; and finally with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship Him!

Good fathers not only tell us how to live, they show us.

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.