If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

My father and I were always on the most distant terms when I was a boy--a sort of armed neutrality, so to speak. At irregular intervals this neutrality was broken, and suffering ensued; but I will be candid enough to say that the breaking and the suffering were always divided up with strict impartiality between us--which is to say, my father did the breaking, and I did the suffering.

I was exceedingly delighted with the waltz, and also with the polka. These differ in name, but there the difference ceases

...ignorant as the unborne babe! ignorant as unborn twins!

It's so damned humiliating.

Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.

Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times.