If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

When you feel like tellin a feller to go to the devil - tell him to go to Chicago - it'll anser every purpose, and is perhaps, a leetle more expensive.

A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation.

I have stopped smoking now and then, for a few months at a time, but it was not on principle, it was only to show off; it was to pulverize those critics who said I was a slave to my habits and couldn't break my bonds.

There are German songs which can make a stranger to the language cry.

The reason why truth is so much stranger than fiction is that there is no requirement for it to be consistent.

The solution to our water problems is more rain.