A dream...I was trying to explain to St. Peter, and was doing it in the German tongue, because I didn't want to be too explicit.

My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess; second, don't drink - to excess; third, don't marry - to excess.

I bring you this stately matron named Christendom, returning bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored from pirate raids in Kiao-Chow, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Phillipines, with her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and a towel, but hide the looking-glass.

Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and [how] hard it is to undo that work again!

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

The best and most telling speech is not the actual impromptu one but the counterfeit of it.