We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean, it does nowadays, because now we can't burn him.

I've seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever came true.

I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

The southerner talks music.

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.

I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.