I've seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever came true.

What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.

There's plenty of boys that will come hankering and gruvvelling around when you've got an apple, and beg the core off you; but when they're got one, and you beg for the core, and remind them how you give them a core one time, they take a mouth at you, and say thank you 'most to death, but there ain't a-going to be no core.

We adore titles and heredities in our hearts and ridicule them with our mouths. This is our democratic privilege.

There's nobody for me to attack in this matter even with soft and gentle ridicule-and I shouldn't ever think of using a grown up weapon in this kind of a nursery. Above all, I couldn't venture to attack the clergymen whom you mention, for I have their habits and live in the same glass house which they are occupying. I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time.

The funniest things are the forbidden.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.