Every man is in his own person the whole human race without a detail lacking....I knew I should not find in any philosophy a single thought which had not passed through my own head, nor a single thought which had not passed through the heads of millions and millions of men before I was born.

Surely the ass who invented the first religion ought to be the first ass damned

When the world is made to be idiot-proof, the world will become overpopulated with idiots.

Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it

I was exceedingly delighted with the waltz, and also with the polka. These differ in name, but there the difference ceases

When ill luck begins, it does not come in sprinkles, but in showers.

Protestant parents still keep a Bible handy in the house, so that the children can study it, and one of the first things the little boys and girls learn is to be righteous and holy and not piss against the wall. They study those passages more than they study any others, except those which incite to masturbation. Those they hunt out and study in private.