the size of a misfortune is not determinable by an outsider’s measurement of it but only by the measurements applied to it by the person specially affected by it.

The piano may do for love-sick girls who lace themselves to skeletons, and lunch on chalk, pickles and slate pencils, but give me the banjo.

When I want to read something nice, I sit down and write it myself.

I hope all of us may eventually be together in everlasting peace and bliss -- except the inventor of the #‎ telephone .

All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.

I have only one moral precept; never smoke more than five cigars at a time.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.