If there was two birds sitting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first.

I'm the only person who has ever found the right way to build an autobiography.

The first time a student realizes that a little learning is a dangerous thing is when he brings home a poor report card.

A little lie can travel half way 'round the world while Truth is still lacing up her boots.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.