No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.

Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to do?

What's your name?" "Becky Thatcher. What's yours? Oh, I know. It's Thomas Sawyer." "That's the name they lick me by. I'm Tom when I'm good. You call me Tom, will you?" "Yes

When the world is made to be idiot-proof, the world will become overpopulated with idiots.

Each person is born to one possession which outvalues all his others-his last breath.

The lightning there is peculiar; it is so convincing, that when it strikes a thing it doesn't leave enough of that thing behind for you to tell whether-Well, you'd think it was something valuable, and a Congressman had been there.