There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees.

I don't want my girl to be so skinny she can knife me with her knee.

Ignorance is not, not knowing something. It is knowing what isn't so.

Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon.

If I had been helping the Almighty when he created man, I would have had him begin at the other end, and start human beings with old age. How much better to start old and have all the bitterness and blindness of age in the beginning!