I wish to become rich, so that I can instruct the people and glorify honest poverty a little, like those kind hearted, fat, benevolent people do.

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.

I would not read the proof of one of my books for any fair & reasonable sum whatever, if I could get out of it. The proof-reading on the P & Pauper cost me the last rags of my religion.

Wine is a clog to the pen, not an inspiration.

It was the most earnest ambition I ever had....Not that I ever really wanted to be a preacher, but because it never occurred to me that a preacher could be damned. It looked like a safe job.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

There is nothing like instances to grow hair on a bald-headed argument.