Strange a God who mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness, then invented hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none Himself; who frowns upon crimes yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon Himself; and finally with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship Him!

I have at last, after several months' experience, made up my mind that [New York] is a splendid desert--a domed and steepled solitude, where the stranger is lonely in the midst of a million of his race.

I said there was but one solitary thing about the past worth remembering, and that was the fact that it is past-can't be restored.

The existing phrasebooks are inadequate. They are well enough as far as they go, but when you fall down and skin your leg they don't tell you what to say.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.