I'd be vegetarian if bacon grew on trees

The French are funny, sex is funny, and comedies are funny, yet no French sex comedies are funny.

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

Let's face it, all the good stuff happens after midnight.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun.

I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Hah! "Attempted murder"? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?