I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun.

I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Hah! "Attempted murder"? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?

If God didn't want us to eat cows, why are they made out of meat?

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

I'd be vegetarian if bacon grew on trees

I've conducted an experiment on my kids. Instead of denying them access to media, I've encouraged it. They read comic books, play Nintendo and watch way too much TV.

You toyed with my heart, like it was a toy heart. (Lisa Simpson)