I don't think in terms of results at all. I think: what next insanity can I shock the world with?

The Twelve Chairs is about the same thing. It's all about money or love. We know we need money, we know we have to get money, we know we have to hurt others to get money. But we don't know until maybe it's a little too late in life that love is the most important thing. Love, friendship, affection, bonhomie, whatever. Those are the only things that really count: to love and be loved.

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.

Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.

I always thought it was great to be able to make people feel better. It was a little like being God.

I wanted to entertain so badly that I kept at it until I was good. I just browbeat my way into show business.

Don’t be stupid, be a smarty / Come and join the Nazi Party!