Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Well, just being stupid and politically incorrect doesn't work. You can be politically incorrect if you're smart.

In real life people fart, in the movies, people don't. Why not? Farts are a repressed minority. The mouth gets to say all kinds of things, but the other place is supposed to keep quiet. But maybe our lower colons have something interesting to say. Maybe we should listen to them. Farts are human, more human than a lot of people I know. I think we should bring them out of the water closet and into the parlor.

You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself.

My liveliness is based on an incredible fear of death. In order to keep death at bay, I do a lot of "Yah! Yah! Yah!" And death says, "All right. He's too noisy and busy. I'll wait for someone who's sitting quietly, half asleep."

My God, I'd love to smash into the casket of Dostoyevsky, grab that bony hand and scream at the remains, 'Well done, you god-damn genius.'

My mother is very short - four-eleven. She could walk under tables and never hit her head.