The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short.

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But theyre also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset.