Eugene Mirman is the Andy Warhol of comedy. People look to him for what's next in comedy, and he emails these people back promptly. The Will to Whatevs put me in a great mood because I was laughing out loud. Alone. That's hard to do.

I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it.

There are so many people who are clever. There are 8000 people at Princeton who are more clever than the three of us at this table. BUT, we have the ability to give something that they don't have...which is us.

Life is unfair and improv is a great metaphor of that.

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.