I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."

The people who are the worst at news, who kind of engage in what I call the World Wrestling of news, have kind of set the bar for where news is.

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.