I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Sometimes when my fans come up to me, they think it's going to be entertaining, like I'm going to tell jokes or do bits, and then instead of that I end up talking about really mundane things with my fans, and then they're kind of like, "This is boring. I want to go talk to somebody else." I think I bore my fans to death by over-talking to them.

The people who are the worst at news, who kind of engage in what I call the World Wrestling of news, have kind of set the bar for where news is.

Sometimes, when you want to be in a place so badly, you'll do anything.

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Eugene Mirman is the Andy Warhol of comedy. People look to him for what's next in comedy, and he emails these people back promptly. The Will to Whatevs put me in a great mood because I was laughing out loud. Alone. That's hard to do.