Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

All techniques of comedy are valid and interesting to me.

Our fear leads us to say no all the time.

You need to know what doesn't work to know what works. It's especially true in improv and stand-up.

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.