How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it.

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.

I feel that marriage can lead to the ultimate rejection and failure and divorce and things we all fear.

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.