I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.

I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.

I just don't give off a great first impression.

Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody.

What I write is emotionally honest and truthful as the human experience can be, to make people feel less alone, or at least that's the hope.

I've been selfish over the years, and other people who have made it have too, but I can only speak for myself.