I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

Success is fleeting. It may not have to do with you but how your work is received.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depressing. I don't even talk about it on stage, because it would take too long to explain.

Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody.

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.