I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.

There is no such thing as #1 in art.

My problem with being in New York City is that you really can't make a living as a comedian. You can, but you have to also take writing jobs, which means less stage time.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

The key is to do what you love.

I've been selfish over the years, and other people who have made it have too, but I can only speak for myself.