People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depressing. I don't even talk about it on stage, because it would take too long to explain.

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it.

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans.

I couldn't recommend more that people put themselves in a situation where they can see a lot of work that they admire, and for free.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream