There is no such thing as #1 in art.

Awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy.

I have this habit of asking 'why do you want to do it?' and then interrupting them to say, 'here's why you want to do it.' Because it's in the 'yes...and' spirit [rule of improvisation].

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.