Planning your own coming-of-age experience may wither you prematurely, but just think of it this way: If you can get through this, childbirth should be a breeze.

Of all the wonderful things that men and women share, shoes, tragically, are not one of them. This is because men lack the shoe chromosome.

Remember when you were eleven years old and you thought how great it would be to get your period? And then you got it? That's what planning a wedding is like.

What becomes of the broken-hearted? They buy shoes.

By about a week before the big day, you will have received less than half of your invitation response cards. Panic sets in when it occurs to you that everyone invited will actually show up. You couldn't have made it easier for your guests. You have included a card that had boxes for 'will attend' or 'will not attend.' You included a pre-addressed, stamped envelope. How inconvenient could it be for them simply to check it off and drop it in in a mailbox? Very inconvenient. You, evil bride-to-be, are confronting two basic human fears. A terror of correspondence and the dread of decision-making.

The woman who steals your boyfriend has the ugliest shoes on earth. Truly hideous. You wouldn't be caught dead in them.

Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.